Posted in Life, Love, Online Diary

“I Don’t Need A Hopeless Romantic — But I Do Need Someone Who Puts In Effort” by Holly Riordan

I don’t need you to pull out my chair and hold open doors for me — but I need you to treat me with respect during our good and bad days, so I know you see me as your equal.

I don’t need you to make public social media posts about how you can’t live without me — but I need you to take me home to meet your family, so I know that you’re serious about us.

I don’t need you to take me overseas on expensive vacations — but I need you to spend your days off with me, so I know that you consider me a priority.

I don’t need you to leave romantic notes around the house for me to find while you’re gone — but I need you to send me a text if you’re going to be late coming home from work, so I’m not kept waiting.

I don’t need you to drown me in compliments — but I need you to notice when I get a new haircut or wear an outfit you’ve never seen before, so I know that you’ve been paying attention.

I don’t need you to take me out to five-star restaurants — but I need you to plan out dates you think I’d like, so I know that you were trying.

I don’t need you to buy me flowers and expensive jewelry on our anniversary — but I need you to write out how you feel inside of a card, so I know that you’re thankful to have me in your life.

I don’t need you to rearrange your schedule so that we spend every second of every day together — but I need you to be there for me whenever I’m feeling down, so I know that I can rely on you

I don’t need you to cook me fancy dinners with candles scattered across the table — but I need you to remember to pick up my favorite snacks when you take a run to the grocery store, so I know that you were thinking of me.

I don’t need you to write romantic songs for me and play them on the guitar — but I need you to turn up the radio when my favorite band comes on, so I know that you remember what I like.

I don’t need you to scatter rose petals across our bed — but I need you to stay the morning and cuddle with me, so I know you’re not just using me for sex.

I don’t need you to say I love you every five seconds — but I need you to show me that love, so I know it’s still there.

I don’t need you to buy me a ten carat ring — but I need you to talk to me about the future, so I know you’re planning on spending the rest of your life alongside me.

I don’t need you to be a hopeless romantic — but I need you to put in effort, so I know that I’m not the only one who cares.

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Posted in Life, Love, Online Diary

“YES or NO?”

June 28. 1:43am

When the ultimate question has been popped, there is a debating of the heart and mind; but love buries all the wrong reasons, and doubts, and confusions, and fears. And all there is left are beating hearts, holding hands, gazing eyes and silence; there could never be any answer than a sweet YES… sealed with a kiss.

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Posted in Life, Love, Online Diary

The day you said goodnight♥

Circa 2014

After how many continents, timezones and what felt like a lifetime ago, scheduled post has finally reached its due time…


“She didn’t want to say I love you so instead she said goodnight… Because love means falling and she’s afraid of heights.” (cto)


Dearest You,

While there are countless things i love about you, here are some of my favorites.

I love that you are very respectful and polite. You always make sure that our families know you’re taking me out and that you’ll bring me back home in one piece. But not just that because you are thoughtful too, and sweet, and tall and handsome. You have the most dazzling eyes and dashing smile that makes my heart skip a beat. You prove that chivalry’s not dead. You open doors for me and keep me safe whenever we cross the street. You encourage me to drive your car even if I am a reckless driver. Thank you for trusting me. Whenever i absentmindedly sing or hum a song, you always listen and tell me i have a nice singing voice. Or sometimes when I catch you looking at me, you tell me how beautiful i am. I get embarrassed and try to cover my face, but you make sure to hold my hands before i did. Or when i say to my friends (or your family & friends) how much i hate my new haircut, you tell them No and that my hair looks good, you love it on me. Even if i don’t show it, i really appreciate you. You and your effort.

I also love how eager you are to make me happy always. You try to sing for me, even if you’re out of tune. Hahaha. Driving me to a theme park around the city for adventure and then to your favorite eatery because you want to experience them with me. When you make me choose ‘mountain or sea’ and i choose mountain, you bring me to the highest part of the city and we admire the moon and stars without minding the time. You stay by my side just to listen to me complain about work, or my worries or whenever I’m homesick. Then buys me ice cream or pizza afterwards because you know how much I like food.

I also love it when you message me and wait outside my apartment. You give me alibis such as ‘kay dugay nako wala kita nimo’ whenever i ask you why you are sitting in front of my door. But in the end you tell me it’s because you miss me and you’re not used to not being with me. Oh well, I miss you too. Always. Because talking nonsense with you is fun. Or i just love being with you. Period. You make my day brighter.

But I also love it when we have our quiet moments. When we just sit on the swing and do nothing.  Or whether we’re driving slow with nowhere to go while you hold my hand or when we’re driving out of town exceeding the speed limit while i roll down the windows. You ask me ‘Are you afraid?’ Then I look at you and say ‘No.’ You ask me ‘Why?’ I say ‘Because you are driving and i trust you.’ And you say ‘I won’t let anything bad happen to you.’ I smile, you smile and we have our comfortable silence. Always so sweet and comfortable, it feels like coming home for holidays. You are my home.

When it’s time for us to part, you hold me tight and hug me goodnight. I ask myself, will we ever survive this relationship? Then I let my confusions, doubts, and selfishness win. I say good night too and close the door…..

It’s been three years now since I closed that door and you went abroad. How i wish i hugged you back though. We lost our communication over time and i understand. I let you go, and so it’s just fair for you to let me go too. And to answer your question… YES! It has always been a Yes. We could have been something but oh well, maybe it just wasn’t the right time. Or the right place. Or simply we were just not meant to be. Thank you for being my greatest adventure. But now it’s time to say Good night to you too.

Love,

irene

Posted in Life, Online Diary

Hey

April 26. 10:40am

Hi everyone! I’m so sorry if I wasn’t able to update my blog…(well, as if someone’s reading my blog haha) Anyway, I am still writing, fyi. Not online blogging but just writing in general. I am really making an effort to write on my diary, i swear 🙂

Annnd… I just wanna let you know that I’ll be posting something in the next days. There is this one particular entry i wrote. And I think it is really time for me to publish it now. I wrote it a few months ago, some time last year. I promise, I will share it to all of you.

Bye for now…

irene. x

Posted in Life, Online Diary

From the start, again.

Oct. 26, 2015. 1:34 pm

Hiiiii 🙂 Good spirits hit me today HAHA so I’m…

Currently —

  • seeking job thru online postings
  • sending resumes. yay to emails. yay to technology!
  • listening to acoustic songs ♫ ♬
  • blogging hehe
  • eating Marang, which is according to Google, a tropical fruit from the Philippines having a mass of small seeds embedded in sweetish white pulp
  • thinking positive +

I believe the Lord has been always hitting my hard head lately, and bam i woke up! Thank you for encouraging me to go on, Lord God. I love you…. And I pray I get to find a job soon, in Your perfect time.

Irene. x

Posted in Life, Online Diary

Recovering but still escaping?

Oct. 23. late morning

I realize blogging about how I feel helps. Really… And reading books, of course. It keeps my mind off this sad reality.

Last night, while I was reading a book, I received a message from an unknown number saying “Smile.. The worst is yet to come.. lalalala” I wanted to know who the sender was but unfortunately I didn’t have load balance. I believed that simple message wasn’t really meant for me. That it just happened i was in his/her contact list. It was just a coincidence that she included me in the group message and sent that message at the right time of the day. But the sender was like cheering me up without him/her knowing it. And it made me smile. Thank you, whoever you are. 🙂

After a while, I paused my reading and went online. There was this page on facebook that I follow. My friends and I constantly read entries from this page. One day, we were inspired to anonymously submit an entry about the lack of our love life and friendship. So last night, I read the comments of our entry. I was really smiling and proud because of the positive comments. Someone wrote (non-verbatim) “I hope we’ll be just like them. That we’ll remain friends after graduation -tagged her friends-” It made me happy and feel blessed that some people look up to us for being wonderful friends to each other. I realized I shouldn’t be so sad anymore because I have great friends.

I also visited my tumblr account last night. I encountered some Bible verses about disappointments, hurt, and sadness. And most of all, about God’s love for us. So I prayed a silent, short prayer to Him. I also opened the Bible last night and read some passages. It was so amazing how like God was talking to me and comforting me through those words.

CTO

I went to bed after feeling a little bit light-hearted and continued reading my book. I was reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, by the way. When my eyes were starting to fail me, I put my book aside and turned on my phone’s music player; set the music auto off for 30 minutes. Then i drifted off.

Btw, I just woke up for the second time this morning. The first time I woke up, it was still so early and cold. So I decided to sleep again coz honestly, my heart still felt heavy I just want it to end. I admit, I am really avoiding reality. Please let me be for now.

*still playing happy songs on spotify while reading HP*

StillStalling-or-Recovering-Irene-here x

Posted in Life, Online Diary

Escaping Reality

Oct. 22, 2015. 4:57 PM

Almost sunset.

I’m in our living room with this awesome view outside. This could have been my favorite time of the day if not because of the bad news I received at 4:10 pm today. I couldn’t handle the message I read. I was shocked, my body went cold and I was starting to shed a few tears. But I must not be seen by anyone so I took a shower so that I could cry my heart out. What I didn’t understand when I was already in the bathroom is that I couldn’t cry anymore. I let the news sink in but my heart denied it. My mind was full of thoughts so I hurriedly finished my shower, went out of the bathroom, put on some clothes and decided to write.

So now I’m writing with my hair still dripping wet. I can hear my parents downstairs. I must act like everything’s normal even when I just found out my dream is already out of my reach. Gone for good.

It effing hurts! I have never been this rejected my whole life. Twice!! Twice, I have been denied by circumstance to achieve my dream. Everything my family and i did, went down the drain. Sacrifices, time, effort, money, and all that shz just for nothing. What breaks me the most is that I learned that I have already been rejected since the start. But they still let me do shzzz for them, wtf. I hope they just told me immediately and stopped giving false hopes coz one year of waiting is not that easy.

I expected myself to ugly cry over this. I still haven’t tho. But sure is my heart feels like it’s dying inside right now. Maybe I’m still in denial. I don’t wanna talk to anyone. I don’t wanna think. Talking about it makes it real. Thinking is just unbearable. I don’t wanna think how I’ll get through this just yet. Not yet.

*plays happy songs on spotify. goodbye reality!*

Sad-Hurt-TryingToActTough-Irene-here. x